Monday, November 19, 2012

Just a week.

2.5 weeks ago I took a pregnancy test I found in the back of the cupboard.  It was left over from Teddy and was set to expire in 10 days.  A second line appeared immediately, but I discounted it as being an old test.  I didn't even tell Tim about it.  When I was out getting groceries that afternoon I picked up a digital test, just in case, to have on hand.  Also, because I'm ridiculous, I bought a 3-6 month Halloween costume on clearance for 75% off because it would coordinate with what I was planning on having Tillie and Teddy be next year.  Yes, I would be the one who didn't really think she was pregnant to buy a costume a year in advance.

The following Monday I took one of those digital tests.  To my complete surprise, "pregnant" appeared after the three minutes was up.  We hadn't been planning on having another baby so soon, but one little digital text said to expect one next July.  I immediately sent a picture of it to Tim in a text.  He was just as surprised as I was.  It's a good think his student teacher was doing most of the teaching that day!

I immediately went to pintrest to find pregnancy photo announcements.  It would be a little early, but I wanted it to be our Christmas card.  I started looking at bunk-beds too, as Tillie and Teddy would need to share a room so that a new baby could have the nursery.  I started pinning the boy versions of the Sarah Jane fabric to add to Tillie's room.  I started a search on craigstlist for boy quilts that would match the room.  I was really glad her room was blue because it was going to quite simple to convert to a sister/brother shared room.

On Wednesday we went to Chicago for the day.  I contemplated telling my mom and Leah, but I always find the "telling" to be so awkward.  I decided a secret for now would be more fun.  Of course, 15 minutes after being with Robin I told her.  I've never been able to tell her I was pregnant before in person, it's always been over e-mail.  I was nice to be able to talk about with her.  I bought two sweater dresses at H&M that would be great with leggings with winter with a little belly.  I didn't buy the new jeans I desperately needed because who knew how much longer I'd be able to wear them.

I got all of our outfits for the photo card announcement on Thursday.  I "reserved" Philip's camera for Sunday afternoon.  I still wanted to feel okay and not look awkward "is she pregnant or fat" for the picture.  I've recently lose a good deal of weight, but who knew when I'd be this weight again now.

Tim had Friday off of school.  After taking the 5 weeks belly shot we went to the Gardens and out for lunch.  We talked about if we would prefer a girl or a boy.  We didn't come to any conclusions.  Either would have been great.  It would be so fun to have a boy so close in age to Teddy, but I'd love another girl to wear the clothes I have for Tillie.  Most of them would have worked size-wise with a July baby.

On Saturday morning after breakfast, I started bleeding.  It continued on Sunday, and into Monday.  I had blood tests done then, which showed really low levels of hcg and progesterone.  The nurse said they suspect it was a chemical pregnancy, because it's so low.  My opinion is that that it'd already been three days since it started that it's so low.  I know they say that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, but since Tillie and Teddy's pregnancies were so easy and smooth I never really thought after seeing the word "pregnant" that there wouldn't be a baby next July.  I know that's naive, but it's just been our personal experience.

I'm feeling okay about everything.  The timing wasn't great:  Baby due while we're living at Camp?  10 lbs away from my goal weight? Christmas Ale to drink at Christmas? Feeling guilty about getting pregnant on accident when so many people can't get pregnant when they try so hard?   All of these are things that crossed my mind after seeing that test, but never was their a point after seeing that positive test where I didn't want that baby.

Also, at this point, I don't really want to talk about it.  You can leave comments here and pray for us, but I don't want hugs and sad faces when you see me, please.


Cara said...

I'm very sorry Amber (and Tim). I know how much it sucks, even when the baby was unexpected in the first place.

Hope said...

Wow, what a rollercoaster of emotions and plans in such a short time. Whiplash of the heart. Thinking of you two.

Heather said...

I'm sorry, Amber. Even though the baby was a surprise, every loss is hard. Many prayers.

shanda said...

Still grief. Thanks for sharing. Praying for you and Tim.

Cohrs Compilations said...

I never saw this til now. I'm sorry.